Sunday, January 29, 2006

A little sad

First let me tell you Chinese New Years was great. It's always wonderful to be around other children who were adopted from China. They fill me with so much hope for the future. They all have such beautiful souls and they are so happy. There is nothing I want more than for Lydia to be happy. Happy from deep inside happy. But sometimes watching her be happy makes me a little sad, even though her happiness is truely what I want.

See the day Lydia came to us, she became a part of my body. Literally. I couldn't wedge her off me with a crowbar...for about 2 months I dreamed of what it would be like to go to the bathroom by myself. But she was so insecure and scared about her new surroundings her dependence made sense. longer insecure about my love and curious about her surroundings Lydia has "detached", no longer as dependent she often leaves me behind looking for new experiences. Oh she still runs to me...she still wants cuddles and hugs and love almost constantly. But it used to be constantly, and I know that what that means. She's becoming her own person. And while I know it's a good also hurts a little. It's her first baby step away from me...and while I applaud her and encourage heart weeps just a little because I know it's the first of many steps.

I do take solace in this though. No matter how far away she goes physically. She is now and always will be a part of my body. Because every body needs a heart in order to survive...and she is, without a doubt, my heart.


Blogger Karen said...

I knew you'd be a good mommy. Part of being a good mommy is measured by how alone you feel when they are secure enough to venture off without you.
Lydia is very luck to have you..Not because she found a family, nor because she would be less fortunate if she were still in China..yada yada..(we all know that we are the lucky ones on that regard)...but she's lucky because she has you as her mommy, and not someone else...what are the odds?

Monday, January 30, 2006 10:28:00 PM  

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